Time for a change…

It is hard to believe another year has zipped by.  For me, the older that I become, the quicker the years are zooming by.  So, that’s what those women meant in the grocery store when my kids were little, hanging off the cart crying and carrying on, when they said, “They grow so fast!” and “Enjoy them when they are young” – - I vividly remember thinking, BITE ME!  But now I know EXACTLY what they meant.  Those wise biotches.  They didn’t seem so wise when I wasn’t getting any sleep and the kids were out of control at the Target wreaking havoc on all; far and near.

I am looking back on ’08 as a year of hard work and not enough enjoyment.  I missed out on opportunities due to my depression and anxiety and I’m not willing to let this go on for another year.  I have an excuse for everything.  I am the master procrastinator – continually a day late and a dollar short.  It’d be fine if it only affected me, but unfortunately it affects those around me ~ especially my kids.  I have a brand new pocket calendar and plan on putting it to mad use.  Yes, the ever scary calendar.  I get heart palpitations just thinking about having dates “SET IN STONE” in it.

Tonight I had a good conversation with my mother over the phone.  We were talking about New Years Resolution’s and I started to cry a bit.   I asked her, “How am I going to change 38 years of not wanting to work out and be healthy?  I’m up against 38 years of bad habits!” 

I say, “I CAN DO IT” – yes, right now I can as I’m eating my way to the bottom of a bag of crackers WITH spray cheese but what about when the New Year starts and I’m hungry?!!! 

I told my mom that I am LAZY and she got mad at me saying, “You are not lazy, you are hard working and tired” but, the truth is, I am lazy.  It is hard to admit but I’m a chocolate eating, couch loving potato.  I’d like to go to sleep and never wake up.  If I look back, I’ve been this way since about the age of 13.

BUT IF YOU WORK OUT, YOUR BRAIN WILL PRODUCE ENDORPHINS WHICH WILL IN TURN MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER, HAPPIER, AND MORE ENERGETIC!

BUT IF YOU STOP EATING JUNK FOOD, THEN YOU CAN DETOXIFY YOUR BODY- FEELING HEALTHIER AND STRONGER.

YOU NEED TO EXERCISE- you need to eat well balanced meals.  I’ve heard it’s not about what I eat, that it’s about what’s eating me!???  Also, another goodie is, “Eat to Live.  Don’t live to eat!” – - all make perfect sense.  SO…… yeah…..

I know, I get it.  I’ve read it – been there- done that.  I never met an endorphin that I liked before.  In fact, my pea sized brain does not produce enough as it is.  I have worked out before for months on end and never felt better, or more energetic- I always fell off the diet wagon and ran to the comfort of food.  I’ve lost 30 lbs. only to gain back 50.  I’ve lost 120 pounds only to gain back 60. 

I have had gastric bypass surgery 2 times.  Once in ’04 and once to have it re-adjusted/replaced in ’07 when it “slipped”.  Since then, I’ve been cheating the system and eating things that I know I should not.  I have a sleep apnea machine that should be used also, but do not.  I am a huge cluster fudge of problems and I am my own worst enemy!!!  I go out of my way to sabotage my success.  Every time I get ahead, I can be found running in the opposite direction undoing all the good I had done.  I do not know what this is all about and personally, I’m tired of trying to figure out why and I’m tired of acting like I have no control over the decisions that I make.  I absolutely have control over myself and decisions.  Depression and anxiety cannot rule me.  I have to take control.  I need to stop using my diagnosis as a crutch to avoid doing things that people have to do every single day.  Time to “giddy-up” for this girl.

A few things have made it clear to me in the last few weeks, that I NEED TO MAKE A CHANGE IN MY LIFE. A big change.  A whole lifestyle change.

Firstly, Last Sunday, I went to work with my husband.  He drives a fuel truck and I have not driven with him since I was pregnant with my first born (he’s now 17 years old).  I know what he does every day, but to actually be there, with him – it was almost like an out of body experience.  I was overwhelmed and saddened at this job he has and just how hard and taxing of a job it really is.  It’s extremely physical.  He travels to and from making stops… he has done this for a little over 20 years and its HARD labor.  He fuels everything from home heating, to construction equipment (jumping up and off huge pieces with a hundred pound hose), to generators.  I told him while driving that it just hit me, how hard he works- and how much I appreciate it.  He said he likes his job most days which is good, but I could never do it.  He is the hardest working man I have ever met (besides my dad).  What strikes me is that rain or shine, snow or sleet- sick as a dog or not- he goes to work, gives it his all and rarely complains.  He also puts up with my b.s.  They guy is a saint.  He is the best friend I’ve ever had and I’m so lucky to have him.

Then, recently I was able to catch up with a very good friend of mine who was diagnosed with cancer a year and a half ago.  She has large cell non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma.  I was able to ask her how she was doing.  Well, as a wife and the mother to 3 school aged kids (just as myself) she is not too well actually.  The tumor has shrunk to approx. 6 inches (under her left collar bone but more near the top of her breast).  She told me that there is an artery running through her tumor so they can not remove it.  She is tired and weak and now plagued by fibromyalgia- which if you don’t know is an enormous amount of severe pain all over her body.  She has extensive nerve damage from the cancer treatments.  They’ve been giving her blood infusions because her count is so low, she’s so tired- yet she has managed to get a part time job (nights) to try to pay down the medical bills.  All of this has not stopped her from chauffeuring around her 3 kids to various after school activities while her husband works his tail off to make ends meet.  She confided in me that she has discontinued some of her meds due to the astronomical cost (yes, she has insurance; to give you an idea of how expensive things are when you get a severe illness), not only that but her middle aged son has extremely severe allergy and asthma problems which required him to get 3 allergy shots per week.  He’s now ready to have another surgery because his adnoids have grown back and he’s having trouble breathing again.  They have stopped taking him for shots too, because of the cost.  Her youngest daughter was hospitalized earlier this year for breathing problems, turns out she also has severe asthma and allergies.  She also sees a specialist for the scarring on her lung tissue due to it going undiagnosed for so long.  And, whilst at the hospital, they informed my good friend that her daughter also has an aortal arc around her heart, an aneurysm which can go at any time, when she’s 90 years old, or next week?  There is nothing they can do to fix it and no telling when and if it will ever erupt.  Her oldest son (12 years old) has been acting out at school and at home and was finally diagnosed with ADHD after years of LOOKING FOR HELP AND tests.  They thought it was depression, but insurance wouldn’t cover him stating that a child that young does not have depression.  Seriously.  Turns out that even though his symptoms are not textbook, he does in fact have ADHD.  Since they have been treating him, he has done a complete turnaround so there is a happy note for their family.  However, I sat there listening and realized that I don’t know what a real problem is yet, and praise the Lord for that.  I can even round off our conversation with a whopper- my good friend was adopted as a baby.  She did meet her biological mother and ½ brother about 12 years ago; the ½ brother had just been diagnosed with Hodgkin’s at the time.  Her mother told her she was date raped and that’s why she gave her up.  This friend of mine, bless her heart- said, if she herself had been date raped- she would have never told her birth child from that pregnancy the truth- she thought it was cruel.  My heart sunk.  Do you know why she carries out her responsibilities without feeling sorry for herself?  She said, with her and her husband’s family history of cancer, it’s more than likely that one of her children will get cancer.  She doesn’t want them to think its okay to lie down and die just because they have it- she wants to set a good example for them.  *Tears welling up here*.

I decided I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and get on with it.  Maybe it’s easy to say from right here, where I sit- because I’m fat and happy (cheesy crackers have filled the belly) – and I’m feeling rather good lately.  It will get hard, I have to be ready.  Because, I am indeed picking a fight with 38 years of experience that swings to the whole other side of the pendulum from “giddy-up and go”.

This is a time for reflection.  I am not getting any younger and I don’t want to go to my grave as the person who was always trying to be happy.  I want to go to my grave happy, with a kind heart, who appreciated all of the wonderful blessings in her life.  There are too many to count.  I’m not going to figure out why I am depressed.  It’s a chemical imbalance.  Period.  I’m anxious and can become overly concerned with stupid things that do not matter.  But, I can change that.  I can.  I am in charge of myself and my own destiny.

If all I ever do is try to figure out why I’m depressed and anxious, I will never get anywhere.  I have depression.  I have an addictive personality.  That’s the way I am hard wired.  I am what I am.  I need to accept it as a challenge and seriously, it’s time to blaze a new trail.  Take a new path.  It might be scary at times, but I’m going.  I know I’m not alone either because I have so many wonderful people in my life who are on the right path- I plan on using you.  Using your knowledge, guidance, and good example set to grow and flourish.

It’s ugly taking a good look at myself.  I’m hungry.  But the question needs to be asked, Am I starving?  Am I?  Am I going to die from starvation?  No.  I could probably live off of water alone for the next year and still not end up a waif model.  I may not have written it perfectly here.  I have trouble with that sometimes.  Getting the jumbled thoughts in my head onto paper- but I think this is a good start.

This is such a big messed up world that we live in.  I want to be part of the solution, not another part of the problem.  I want to reach out to my friend.  I am going to think of a constructive way that I can help her, her husband, and her kids live a better life.  We have several mutual friends and I’m sure I can recruit them to help out this lovely friend of ours while she is walking alone through the darkest of her days. 

I guess what I’ve been trying to say in a round-about way for too long now, is that I have been so selfish.  Life is not about me.  Life is short and I don’t want to go to my grave with a handbag of regrets.  My problems are small and my life is pretty great.  It’s going to be a whole new 2009 – I have high hopes and big dreams of being a much better version of myself.  Thanks for listening to me ramble and thank you for your continued encouragement.